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Red is definitely Melissa Riso’s color. Well, she would look amazing in any color but there’s definitely something about what she has on now that makes me aware of Melissa’s presence even if she was miles away. I could spy with my little eye a seductive Riso in a red bikini if I was standing an entire ocean apart from her. And after spotting her I would be obliged to swim across the sea just to see her even better. Maybe say hello and ask her if she needs anything. Like a refill for her water bottle. She sure looks mighty hot and the last thing I need to see is a beaut like her overheating under an unforgiving sun.

Melissa’s body is chiseled and aesthetically pleasing to look at like a top gun aircraft. She also scores bonus points with me for looking cooler than Tom Cruise in a pair of aviator glasses. Maybe I can be her Maverick. I don’t own a fighter jet but I can sure attempt to fold a paper airplane to look like one. Then l’ll give it to her as a present. I’ve heard it’s the thought that counts. And I think about her a lot.

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I love a big ass, but you know what I’ve got no time for? Big assed mermaids. I suppose I could make an exception for Demi Rose, but only because she’s one of the most astonishing women on this planet, and women like that deserve concessions to be made for them.

Separating the dress from its wearer for a moment, though, I want to say that I never knew that big-assed mermaids weren’t for me before today. I don’t suppose it’s a thing one thinks much about in their day to day. It’s just not a choice I’m faced with in my daily life.

Nevertheless, now I’ve seen what a mermaid with a big ass would look like, I have to say that I prefer a mermaid with a little less fin, if you know what I’m saying? But in real life, non-mermaid life, I not only love a big ass, I love Demi Rose’s big ass with all of my heart.

I think it would be an exaggeration to say I’d turn her down if she were a mermaid, but I suppose we’re lucky that such a conundrum will never present itself. Unless it turns out we’re living in the Twilight Zone. Wouldn’t surprise me anymore.

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I love women who know how to keep things clean. It’s a full-time job keeping the car spotless. I myself sometimes have a hard time washing in-between all of those crevasses and fall victim to missing a spot or two. But not Trista Mikail. I can tell by just looking at her that she’s a professional expert at the art of washing cars. She makes it look easy and attractive. Never in my life have I had close to the amount of fun that it looks like Trista is having. I almost consider cleaning my vehicle to be a chore of sorts. Maybe if I invited her over she could show me how to make the best out of it.

I see Trista is also prepared to visit the beach after wiping down her vehicle. She owns a bikini and a car like that was made for cruising the shoreline. I’d love to come with. I promise I wouldn’t take up too much room and I could curate the perfect playlist of acceptable tunes to get everyone in the beach mood. She’ll probably fall in love with me after Surfin USA is followed Kokomo. Because a smart beautiful woman can’t resist a man who knows his music.

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Just what exactly do Claudia and Melissa think they are doing by flaunting that level of sexiness on the beach? Do they not know that they have to have a permit to openly carry something like that in public? It is all right, I will let it slide this one time, but if I catch them doing it again then they could find themselves in the back of my vehicle.

I am not a cop, I just have a paneled van that could be useful in this scenario.

These two have to realize what they are doing to all of the wandering eyes at the beach. I refuse to believe that they are so enthralled in their own sure to vapid conversation that they do not know. Why else would they leave the dry and clean surface of their beach chair to instead kneel in the sand? In sand! One of the worst substances known to man.

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Israeli socialite Hofit Golan has one of those names that, when you say it out loud, it sounds like you’re mispronouncing something in another language. Whether you’ve got a New York accent, a Midwest accent, a Southern accent, or standard Mid-American one, it’s a name that sounds like you’re butchering the actual name of something else.

While I may not be big on her name, I can’t deny that Hofit here has an amazing rack. I mean, damn, that’s a great pair, and she knows how to pick out a bikini that nicely accentuates what are, arguably, her best assets.

I must also admit that the term “Israeli socialite” also sounds like an oxymoron, like “American genius” or “British pussy inspector.” It just doesn’t add up to me, but then again, I don’t know much about Israeli nightlife, other than clubs get blown up a lot by extremists. It’s gotta be tough to get your socialite game off the ground when all of the hot spots in town are literally on fire.

Nevertheless, I’m glad that Hofit is stepping out and showing off her spectacular breasts. I wouldn’t mind hitting up a Tel Aviv discotheque with her, that’s for sure!

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Nikki Mundarris looks cooler than an ice pop in front of an air conditioner in her shades and outfit. Her military camouflage jacket and army green pants are tactical wardrobe pieces  that’s forcing me to atten-hut. She can be my drill commander any day. I’d fall in line and take orders with zero backtalk. I wonder where does one enlist to join Nikki’s army. We could create our own special unit. Just the two of us. We could carry out missions in the form of dates. Our objective would be to find love and in order to do that we would have to check off each obligation along the way. Great outfit. Check. Great food. Check. Great conversation. Check. We would fall in love and finish our objective faster than an out-of-towner loses cell phone reception when passing through my parts.

I need a woman like Nikki in my life because I need structure. And her structure is something I would love to wake up to everyday. Even though her outfit suggests she’s ready to do battle we would make peace, not war. I’m fully dedicated to changing her relationship status from no mans land to fully infiltrated with my presence.

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Rumor has it that an eccentric Japanese billionaire is financing an amusement park modeled after the body of Demi Rose. Personally, I think that is inaccurate. Clearly the man cannot be considered eccentric for trying to bring the people what they want. I would describe him as a visionary an the vanguard of innovation. This Demi Rose park is going to make Dollywood look like a place for kids.

I know Dollywood is officially a place for kids, but we all know that the real reason why any father takes his family there is to hopefully live out a childhood fantasy of seeing Dolly Parton’s legendary bosoms in the flesh.

If Demi plays her cards right this could turn into a lifetime source of income. She could have children riding the water coaster ride modeled after her genitals for decades to come, maybe even long after their source material is out of commission. I know that I would be proud to have my legacy honored in such a way. Although if they were going to model a ride after my genitals it would have to be a giant drop type of ride that ultimately leaves its passengers disappointed.

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I do believe that this is the first time that I have laid my eyes upon Katya Elise Henry, but I am liking what I am seeing. That is a booty that was made to wear a thong. Or was the thong made to be worn by booties like hers? That reminds me of one of those impossible riddles that have no real answer and are not even fun to think about. But in the case of this riddle, I would be happy thinking about it all day.

I would be surprised if Katya did not have some Brazilian genes in her body, because she certainly seems like she is packing a Brazilian booty in her jeans. I think it is thanks to bodies like hers that we even have flex fit jeans. We could not owe it to the obese. They were happy wearing oversized clothes that could cover up their shame. It was the fit girls that wanted to be able to show off their hard work without having to worry about splitting their pants every time they wanted to use their friend as a weight for an impromptu body squat.

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Have I told you guys yet about the time my dad decided it would be cool to grow a ponytail?

February 1992 he drags my ass to see noted wife beater Sean Connery in his latest film, Medicine Man. The film was directed by Die Hard‘s John McTiernan and co-starred Goodfellas‘ Lorraine Bracco, but the only supporting character in the film my dad gave a damn about was that luxurious and presumably fake ponytail that Connery was sporting.

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Amy Lee Summers is more than alright in my book. She sits in-between amazing and absolutely awesome. If there was ever anything missing from my existence, it’s Amy. She’s the same shape as the void in my life. It’s like I’ve found the missing piece of the puzzle. She’s a perfect fit and the perfect shape. I’m starting to theorize that women near water get very thirsty for some reason. I’m starting to see more and more very hot women all holding water bottles. Maybe that’s the key to landing a hot lady of my own. I’m thinking this time instead of filling the cooler with the usual Coors maybe I can fill it with water an attract a very attractive young lady like Amy. It’s worth a shot.

Summers’ body is show stopping. It’s like I’d never need to change the channel after looking at her. Even if I lost the remote. I could watch her hot bod all day. It would provide an excess of entertainment. I hope Amy’s up for allowing me to be her lifeguard. If ever a woman like her required a little bit saving from shallow water or a clam caught in her foot.