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Cindy Alyn is all the woman I’ll ever need. She’s the best example of what a beach ready body is. She’s fully assembled or at the very least not hard to put together like that new fangled furniture that comes from IKEA. She’s broken out of the Spring season ready to enjoy Summer. I wish I was there to assist her because no one likes to hold a big bag while on the beach. And if I was there I could hold and carry both her and the bag. Because I am a gentleman. And gentlemen don’t let beautiful women burn the bottom of their feet on the hot sand.

I’m willing to bet my bottom dollar that Cindy is short for Cinderella. Her amazing figure looks like it came straight from a fairy tale. And she has a face that I could never forget. She’s a woman whose beauty should be talked about for generations to come. If she’s looking for her prince charming I’m definitely him. I may not have a giant chariot make from pumpkin or a fur cape but I can pick her up in my car and compliment her more times than she can count.


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Charlie Riina is a woman I think about way more than I should. I even wrote her a small poem. Charlie Riina, fine like china, I would love it if you showed me your… And that’s where I run out of words. I want to say heart but it doesn’t rhyme so it’s back to the drawing board. Or the beach. I think the beach would be the best option to get some inspiration to finish my poem about her. I could stare at her in a bikini and be so inspired that I completely forget to write the words down. Because I don’t believe there’s any string of words that could accurately describe how beautiful Charlie is.

Riina is one woman I’d love to get lost with. If a sailboat with just us two crashed and we were cast away I wouldn’t even feel like I would be stuck. What some would consider to be a lonely island, I would consider to be paradise if she was my partner. I’d hand feed her coconuts until help arrived. I also would secretly hope that help wouldn’t arrive as being trapped on an island with Charlie is more of a blessing than inconvenience.

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Holy cow! The proportions on Hope Beel have me hoping she peels off the rest of that swimsuit sometime so that I can have nothing left to the imagination. Because right now I am imagining her as the perfect woman, and I do not want that. I want her to have a flaw, or preferably multiple flaws. Otherwise she makes it too tempting to hold other women up to her as the standard of what a woman should be.

So I am holding out hope that on the small amount of skin that is being covered up by that two piece there is a big enough flaw being hidden that will prevent her from ruining my expectations for every other woman in the world. Maybe there some swastikas or hammer and sickles. That might be enough to turn me off of her.

Who knows, maybe there is even a charging port that will prove she is not human at all and is actually a fembot. That would be the perfect outcome, I think. Then I could dismiss all of the hard work that she has put into her body as the clever engineering and design of some Japanese nerds.

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If only Jamaica found some way to capitalize on the popularity of their flag then maybe their economy would not be hurting so bad. If a basic white girl like Claudia Romani desires to have their colors on her towel then there is surely a vast market for it. Just getting one cent for every transaction from stoners would have to be able to give their dollar a boost.

My own younger brother has a poster of Bob Marley hanging in his room. My brother has never listened to Bob Marley in his life, but he likes the way it looks due in no small part to the soothing red-yellow-green color scheme. You don’t see that kind of enthusiasm surrounding the flag of Iran, I’m just saying.

Small tangent, am I the only one who thinks it is odd that Bob is the first name of Bob Marley? It just does not fit. But we are all so used to saying his whole name when referring to him that we never think about it. I think he knew it too which is why his son is named Ziggy. Now Ziggy sounds like the kind of guy who plays reggae and lives by island time.

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My ninth grade Spanish education tells me Kara Del Toro translates to “Kara of the bull” which is a fitting name considering seeing her in a bikini makes me want to charge at her like she is actually a matador. And given the experience she has dodging men I would bet she could sidestep me with ease, leaving me with nothing but the faint smell of the detergent from her towel. Even that would probably be worth the effort.

Every moment this woman wastes with her body outside of a swimsuit is like she is spitting in the face of all her ancestors. They took great care in breeding with the best of what was available to them so that she could reap the benefits, and that is how she is going to betray them? Over my dead body.

I do not care if I need to complete some B and E’s, but I will steal every outfit of hers that dares to cover that waist and cleavage. When a woman has just the right mixture of tone and jiggle it is a disservice to everyone to hide it away.

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It does not matter how hot a woman is , if I see a person with a paddle then I immediately have flashbacks to my childhood.

That is not because I was physically beat with a paddle, but because my grandma beat me at ping pong while showing no mercy. I was just a child at the time, barely able to coordinate feeding myself, and yet my grandma would intentionally direct spikes toward my face. She said it was for my own good, that it would make me better, but all it has done is given me cold sweats anytime I see a ping pong table.

Even now, a couple decades later, I still cannot get over those humiliating defeats. Looking at the paddle in Elisabetta’s hand makes me cringe. With a paddle that size my grandma would be unstoppable. Not a single ball would get past her. And my grandma looked like a doughy ball with wig on. If she had had the core strength of Elisabetta then she would probably be a certified killer. I can only thank whatever gods may be that Grandma was brought up in a time when physical fitness was reserved only for the gays.

 

 

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Why is bikini rollerblading a thing, and why is it that everyone who does it chooses to wear no protective equipment? Women have been rollerblading in bikinis for about as long as they have both existed, and yet I still cannot understand why.

The person doing it is exposing nearly every inch of their body to an unforgiving surface, and for a woman like Andrea Calle, who makes her money off her body, that seems like an unnecessary risk. If anybody saw Tom Brady arm wrestling a gorilla they would step in. You don’t even have to be a fan of the man to know that he should not be doing that. And yet no one has the courage to step in and tell this women to wear coveralls. And yes, I think these two situations are exactly the same.

I do not care if Andrea’s tan becomes hindered. She is at the beach. Are you telling me she cannot take an extra fifteen minutes at the end of her skating to lie down? I refuse to believe that her schedule is so busy she cannot make time for that. After all, she is an adult who can make time to rollerblade.

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I love a big ass, but you know what I’ve got no time for? Big assed mermaids. I suppose I could make an exception for Demi Rose, but only because she’s one of the most astonishing women on this planet, and women like that deserve concessions to be made for them.

Separating the dress from its wearer for a moment, though, I want to say that I never knew that big-assed mermaids weren’t for me before today. I don’t suppose it’s a thing one thinks much about in their day to day. It’s just not a choice I’m faced with in my daily life.

Nevertheless, now I’ve seen what a mermaid with a big ass would look like, I have to say that I prefer a mermaid with a little less fin, if you know what I’m saying? But in real life, non-mermaid life, I not only love a big ass, I love Demi Rose’s big ass with all of my heart.

I think it would be an exaggeration to say I’d turn her down if she were a mermaid, but I suppose we’re lucky that such a conundrum will never present itself. Unless it turns out we’re living in the Twilight Zone. Wouldn’t surprise me anymore.

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I love women who know how to keep things clean. It’s a full-time job keeping the car spotless. I myself sometimes have a hard time washing in-between all of those crevasses and fall victim to missing a spot or two. But not Trista Mikail. I can tell by just looking at her that she’s a professional expert at the art of washing cars. She makes it look easy and attractive. Never in my life have I had close to the amount of fun that it looks like Trista is having. I almost consider cleaning my vehicle to be a chore of sorts. Maybe if I invited her over she could show me how to make the best out of it.

I see Trista is also prepared to visit the beach after wiping down her vehicle. She owns a bikini and a car like that was made for cruising the shoreline. I’d love to come with. I promise I wouldn’t take up too much room and I could curate the perfect playlist of acceptable tunes to get everyone in the beach mood. She’ll probably fall in love with me after Surfin USA is followed Kokomo. Because a smart beautiful woman can’t resist a man who knows his music.

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If there’s one thing I pray this great nation never ceases importing it’s Venezuelan models. This country needs more of them pronto. They’re mighty fine to look at and ladies like Aida Yespica are top shelf. I’d go mentally bankrupt with the amount of attention I’m willing to pay her. Even just by standing there she’s looking more attractive than stepping inside a store with an ice cold air conditioner on full blast in 100 degree weather. Her presence always serves a purpose. A man could find serenity by simply just standing next to her.

Aida is a woman I would no longer like to live life without. And more importantly she’s a woman I would no longer like to attend the beach without. She’s more significant to bring to the shore than a sand shovel or beach ball. Also more fun than those items when it comes to the best beach accessories. I’d rather have her on my arm than some colorful towel with my favorite sports team printed on it. All I would need is the sand, sun, and to be smothered in Aida Yespica’s attention while I’m stretched out attempting to get the best tan possible.