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That bikini looks way too formal to actually be worn with the intention of going into the water. It seems like the kind of swimsuit that I would see on a magazine cover or an ad, and think, “Why must they tempt my eyes with such beautiful fashion that I will never get to see in real life?” I made peace with the fact that all women in magazines are photoshopped to the point of perfection, but do those kinds of tactics really need to seep into clothing as well?

I remember the disappointment I had as a child after discovering that cowboys did not actually wear cowboy hats when they were out on the range. It turns out they really are not effective at keeping the sun off of your head because the wind just blows those felt frisbees off. That is right, Hollywood lied to us again.

Fortunately we have women like Stephanie Pratt who refuse to let certain bikinis remain as concept designs, unlike the car manufacturers who seem content to let the vehicles of the future always stay in the future. How hard is to put some of those cars into production? I am not expecting a flying car, just give me one with reliable Bluetooth access.

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Karen Harvey can officially change her name to Karen Curvy and she wouldn’t receive a single complaint from me. She has earned the right. She looks softer than the bear on the Snuggle box. Cuddle material. She would make millions if she ever decided to license herself as a pillow professionally. I’m curious about what a woman like her likes to involve herself in. She seems like a real renaissance woman. I have never known a woman to be into mountain biking, working out, and playing piano all at the same time. In addition to all of that she manages to strike the perfect pose for every picture each time. Outstandingly talented.

Out of all the activities she partakes in, the one I’m most interested to watch her participate in is the pole holding activity. I never knew there was a class that taught beautiful women how to hold a pole properly. Maybe it’s meant to perfect standing up on public transportation like a bus or subway car in the city. Is there anything they don’t teach these days? I want to drop by just so Karen can show me her technique. It seems like a very interesting watch. And she seems like a very interesting woma

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I admire the UK for so many reasons. They’re like an “almost America.” We speak the same language but sometimes I have a hard time understanding what they’re saying. It must be because of their royal background. I had no idea a person could register as the queen of selfies but it looks like Karen Danczuk has officially filled the position. What an honor. I wonder what her duties consist of in such a prestigious position. Taking selfies aren’t easy. You have to get all of the angles right and smile in a way that looks natural and not forced. I can see why Karen wears the crown in that department. She’s cute and consistent.

Maybe one day I’ll be able to join her as her selfie king. And we can take selfies on a throne in a castle all day long, It will most likely just be a huge recliner in a humble home but I’m pretty sure there’s a filter that could make our background look more fit for a king and queen. Anything that she’s into I would instantly support without question. If that means taking a photo mid-workout then we will pose together after every yoga pose.

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It is always a dangerous move to bring a ball out at the beach. There are always douchebags who have no game that want to impress uninterested ladies with their skills that have not applied to their lives since high school gym class. Unless of course they are gym teachers, and in that case it is still very much applicable.

That being said, playing with a soccer ball on the beach during the world cup is like playing Russian roulette without any empty chambers. You are sure to get wannabes swarming around you, looking to show off their bicycle kick. You might even get some of the pro’s from the competition to join in. If they have already been booted from contention then it is likely that they will try to drown out their sorrows with a beach vacation, and that could take place just about anywhere, so no one is safe.

I do not think there is a worse shame than being shown up on a beach by a pro. It does not matter if it is soccer or ultimate frisbee. Getting embarrassed by their skill makes the thought of a one-way swim into the sunset feel halfway worth it.

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What does a guy have to do to find a pool as empty as the one Jessica and Claudia are at? If I have to put on a bikini I’ll do it. Don’t think I won’t. that is how desperate I am. I just want to be able to swim in some water that is slightly less likely to give me E Coli.

The last time I saw a pool that was empty was when a kid’s diaper came off and he let loose an army of brown sea monkeys on the rest of us. That is not my ideal swimming condition, so I would really like to know their secret.

The time before the diaper fiasco of 2004 was when a man had a heart attack in the wave pool at the water park. Although the water might have been clean, I do not think it was an upgrade. Plus, considering how incontinent people get when they die, there could have been some sea monkeys of his own that were hidden by his swim trunks. So again, I would really like to know their secret.

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At first glance, bringing water to the beach might look a little redundant but Ari Lezama is a smart woman. The only double this delightful looking lady deals with is everyone turning their heads for a second time to see the same smoking hot woman again. If anyone is at fault for redundancy it is obviously the onlookers. I, myself, am even being guilty of doing a double take after looking at Ari. Being the hottest woman at the beach can lead a woman to work up quite the thirst. Praise the good Lord for the invention of plastic containers as she would most likely suffer from dehydration if water bottles never existed.

I wonder if Ari knows that she can easily be mistaken for a beached mermaid. She may be missing a tail but I prefer her second half be a pair of legs anyway. She’s beyond beautiful and obviously knows her way around some water. I’d take a wet Lezama 10 out of 10 times. Because even when she’s drenched she’s hotter than the inner thigh region of my slightly overweight aunt. Even the obvious burn from chafing would be nowhere near the same burn felt if you were to touch Ari without a pair of oven mitts.

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I love a good competition. Just watching them puts me in great spirits. Everyone is at their best in order to pull away with a victory. Competition definitely brings out passion and peak performance in a person. So as a fan I do my best to show support. And there’s no other event that I love to support more than the Miss Bumbum competition. Every women who enters is a champion to me. Win, lose, or draw. It’s not just about having nice assets but being just as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside.

I doubt I’ll ever have one specific favorite Miss Bumbum. All of the women are amazing to look at and telling me to pick only one as my favorite is borderline criminal. No man should ever have to stress over making a decision that serious. I’d even have a hard time picking my favorite competition year. Because it’s like the women get more attractive every time when it’s time to show off the goods. The women from the 2018 lineup look like they’ve studied last year’s competitors and only got better. I think I may look into becoming a Miss Bumbum coach if that’s at all possible.

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Cindy Alyn is all the woman I’ll ever need. She’s the best example of what a beach ready body is. She’s fully assembled or at the very least not hard to put together like that new fangled furniture that comes from IKEA. She’s broken out of the Spring season ready to enjoy Summer. I wish I was there to assist her because no one likes to hold a big bag while on the beach. And if I was there I could hold and carry both her and the bag. Because I am a gentleman. And gentlemen don’t let beautiful women burn the bottom of their feet on the hot sand.

I’m willing to bet my bottom dollar that Cindy is short for Cinderella. Her amazing figure looks like it came straight from a fairy tale. And she has a face that I could never forget. She’s a woman whose beauty should be talked about for generations to come. If she’s looking for her prince charming I’m definitely him. I may not have a giant chariot make from pumpkin or a fur cape but I can pick her up in my car and compliment her more times than she can count.

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Yoga is good for the mind and the soul. I would do it more if I was made from the same stretchy material that the silly Gumby character was made from but I’m not. I’m a bit more stiff. But maybe someone like Daniela Lopez Osorio can help me loosen up. I’ve attempted a few positions before, happy baby being my favorite. But I may have a new favorite as Daniela looks oh so swell in downward facing dog. I have to study her in her position so I don’t make any mistakes when I attempt to do it myself.

Her cobra pose is by far the best I’ve ever seen. I could lay right next to her by the pool and we can pretend to be a couple of snakes. She’s one woman whose life I would love to slither into. There may be a diving board there but the only diving I would be doing is diving deep into conversation with such an outstanding young lady. I’d only ask her important questions like “how did you get to be so beautiful” and “is it okay if I compliment your amazing red one piece?”

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Every time I think of Bambi I tend to tear up. It’s always sad seeing a fictional character in a cartoon lose a loved one. But now I’m aware of another Bambi that also has the power to make a man like myself cry. Melissa Casta Bambi. But the tears she makes run down my face are tears of joy because she’s just so beautiful. And when she has her body wrapped in a bikini it’s a full-time job just to remember not to bawl at such a remarkable sight. Seeing her at the beach is the best present I can receive all year and my birthday as well as Christmas hasn’t passed yet.

I like that Melissa likes small animals. I tend to be an animal lover myself. I’d take my pet pygmy goat to soak up some sun alongside her but I believe we would be barred from entering the beach. Oh how I would love to trade places with her little dog. I’d eat up all attention Bambi had to give out. I’d probably be so overwhelmed that I would also have my tongue hanging out of my mouth as my happiness reflex. I doubt she would be able to carry me around but just having her arm around me in public is more than good enough for me.