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What does a guy have to do to find a pool as empty as the one Jessica and Claudia are at? If I have to put on a bikini I’ll do it. Don’t think I won’t. that is how desperate I am. I just want to be able to swim in some water that is slightly less likely to give me E Coli.

The last time I saw a pool that was empty was when a kid’s diaper came off and he let loose an army of brown sea monkeys on the rest of us. That is not my ideal swimming condition, so I would really like to know their secret.

The time before the diaper fiasco of 2004 was when a man had a heart attack in the wave pool at the water park. Although the water might have been clean, I do not think it was an upgrade. Plus, considering how incontinent people get when they die, there could have been some sea monkeys of his own that were hidden by his swim trunks. So again, I would really like to know their secret.