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Just when it looked like the media storm surrounding the breakup between Nikki Bella and John Cena was abating, news has emerged that the two members of wrestling royalty are getting back together. To those of you who have been tirelessly sliding into Bella’s DM’s under multiple fake identities – this breaking news will hit you the hardest. Bella called off her wedding with Cena in April only three weeks before it was set to take place allegedly due to the fact the she wanted kids and he didn’t. Cena then all but had a public meltdown, even publically pleading during an interview on Today:

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I still love Nicole. I still would love to marry Nicole. I still would love to have a family with Nicole.

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Red is definitely Melissa Riso’s color. Well, she would look amazing in any color but there’s definitely something about what she has on now that makes me aware of Melissa’s presence even if she was miles away. I could spy with my little eye a seductive Riso in a red bikini if I was standing an entire ocean apart from her. And after spotting her I would be obliged to swim across the sea just to see her even better. Maybe say hello and ask her if she needs anything. Like a refill for her water bottle. She sure looks mighty hot and the last thing I need to see is a beaut like her overheating under an unforgiving sun.

Melissa’s body is chiseled and aesthetically pleasing to look at like a top gun aircraft. She also scores bonus points with me for looking cooler than Tom Cruise in a pair of aviator glasses. Maybe I can be her Maverick. I don’t own a fighter jet but I can sure attempt to fold a paper airplane to look like one. Then l’ll give it to her as a present. I’ve heard it’s the thought that counts. And I think about her a lot.

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I love a big ass, but you know what I’ve got no time for? Big assed mermaids. I suppose I could make an exception for Demi Rose, but only because she’s one of the most astonishing women on this planet, and women like that deserve concessions to be made for them.

Separating the dress from its wearer for a moment, though, I want to say that I never knew that big-assed mermaids weren’t for me before today. I don’t suppose it’s a thing one thinks much about in their day to day. It’s just not a choice I’m faced with in my daily life.

Nevertheless, now I’ve seen what a mermaid with a big ass would look like, I have to say that I prefer a mermaid with a little less fin, if you know what I’m saying? But in real life, non-mermaid life, I not only love a big ass, I love Demi Rose’s big ass with all of my heart.

I think it would be an exaggeration to say I’d turn her down if she were a mermaid, but I suppose we’re lucky that such a conundrum will never present itself. Unless it turns out we’re living in the Twilight Zone. Wouldn’t surprise me anymore.

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It looks to me like Giglia Marra needs a little bit of saving. She’s slipping out of her dress and there’s no one around to catch her. It’s times like these that are the most important for men to fight their fears and become the hero a woman needs. I have no idea what kind of monster designs a dress where a woman can easily slip out of it. If I was her I would immediately file for a class action lawsuit. A company should not be allowed to get away with making a faulty article of clothing like that. It sets a terrible precedent.

Luckily I’m around to coach her through this tough time. I know it can be difficult, even scary to have your clothes slip off in public. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve torn an entire closet’s worth of clothes. It’s alway a t-shirt, or a pair of jeans that gets caught on a nail and poof, the next thing you know the kids are staring and grandma is screaming because you’ve become undone and indecent in the middle of the day. I never purposely mean to present myself to other people without pants on, but sometimes accidents do happen.

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After having a moment to think about it, I’ve figured out exactly what was missing from my life. And Megan Davison is it. She’s a woman that I need more of. If I could slather every minute that goes by with her presence I would. She looks more beautiful than a mermaid in the water, and most likely she’s just as rare as one. You don’t see too many women as hot as her out in the wild so this sure is a treat. I hope this trend of sheer overlay attire continues because it’s looking really good ladies. I know the primary purpose for wearing sheer is to keep cool but a side effect of it is also looking extra seductive. How’s that for killing two birds with one stone.

My only goal now is to get close to Davison. Close enough that she feels comfortable with me calling her Meg for short. Like a pet name used between happy couples. Because I can’t see us being anything else. We would start out as simple beach mates, splashing around, then eventually get serious as the day progresses from cloudless sunshine to inevitable sunset. It’d be the best time she ever had while at a beach.

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Why not start to cap the summer vacation season off with even more super hotties in bikinis on luxury vessels parked for play time in the Mediterranean. As you know, one of my few pet peeves in life is my inability to yet afford a sea worthy vessel that would induce and or trick various sextastic models and actresses onto my yackt for bikini play time. I feel like I’m getting closer, but progress is measured in cents rather than dollars, so my time horizon might be longer than I think.

Nina Dobrev took her last few days of summer break off off the coast of Spain, showing off her fine female lady vampire form in a little black bikini that complemented her curvy body in a manner that I would compliment it if I were wooing her on my own ship. Nina really is one of those consistently amazing looking Tinsel Town residents who doesn’t get enough praise for all the smiles she brings to men and boys. So, today, Nina, I salute you all over.

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Okay, we must give credit where it’s due, and when the supercilious, money-grubbing, unrighteously indignant Kim Kardashian is able to focus all of her pimping energies in the direction of simply being kind of quiet and looking hot, she can do that pretty damn well. I mean, there is a reason she makes herself a fortune and it’s not because she’s hard to look at.

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I love women who know how to keep things clean. It’s a full-time job keeping the car spotless. I myself sometimes have a hard time washing in-between all of those crevasses and fall victim to missing a spot or two. But not Trista Mikail. I can tell by just looking at her that she’s a professional expert at the art of washing cars. She makes it look easy and attractive. Never in my life have I had close to the amount of fun that it looks like Trista is having. I almost consider cleaning my vehicle to be a chore of sorts. Maybe if I invited her over she could show me how to make the best out of it.

I see Trista is also prepared to visit the beach after wiping down her vehicle. She owns a bikini and a car like that was made for cruising the shoreline. I’d love to come with. I promise I wouldn’t take up too much room and I could curate the perfect playlist of acceptable tunes to get everyone in the beach mood. She’ll probably fall in love with me after Surfin USA is followed Kokomo. Because a smart beautiful woman can’t resist a man who knows his music.

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Just what exactly do Claudia and Melissa think they are doing by flaunting that level of sexiness on the beach? Do they not know that they have to have a permit to openly carry something like that in public? It is all right, I will let it slide this one time, but if I catch them doing it again then they could find themselves in the back of my vehicle.

I am not a cop, I just have a paneled van that could be useful in this scenario.

These two have to realize what they are doing to all of the wandering eyes at the beach. I refuse to believe that they are so enthralled in their own sure to vapid conversation that they do not know. Why else would they leave the dry and clean surface of their beach chair to instead kneel in the sand? In sand! One of the worst substances known to man.

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Israeli socialite Hofit Golan has one of those names that, when you say it out loud, it sounds like you’re mispronouncing something in another language. Whether you’ve got a New York accent, a Midwest accent, a Southern accent, or standard Mid-American one, it’s a name that sounds like you’re butchering the actual name of something else.

While I may not be big on her name, I can’t deny that Hofit here has an amazing rack. I mean, damn, that’s a great pair, and she knows how to pick out a bikini that nicely accentuates what are, arguably, her best assets.

I must also admit that the term “Israeli socialite” also sounds like an oxymoron, like “American genius” or “British pussy inspector.” It just doesn’t add up to me, but then again, I don’t know much about Israeli nightlife, other than clubs get blown up a lot by extremists. It’s gotta be tough to get your socialite game off the ground when all of the hot spots in town are literally on fire.

Nevertheless, I’m glad that Hofit is stepping out and showing off her spectacular breasts. I wouldn’t mind hitting up a Tel Aviv discotheque with her, that’s for sure!