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It does not matter how hot a woman is , if I see a person with a paddle then I immediately have flashbacks to my childhood.

That is not because I was physically beat with a paddle, but because my grandma beat me at ping pong while showing no mercy. I was just a child at the time, barely able to coordinate feeding myself, and yet my grandma would intentionally direct spikes toward my face. She said it was for my own good, that it would make me better, but all it has done is given me cold sweats anytime I see a ping pong table.

Even now, a couple decades later, I still cannot get over those humiliating defeats. Looking at the paddle in Elisabetta’s hand makes me cringe. With a paddle that size my grandma would be unstoppable. Not a single ball would get past her. And my grandma looked like a doughy ball with wig on. If she had had the core strength of Elisabetta then she would probably be a certified killer. I can only thank whatever gods may be that Grandma was brought up in a time when physical fitness was reserved only for the gays.

 

 

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Why is bikini rollerblading a thing, and why is it that everyone who does it chooses to wear no protective equipment? Women have been rollerblading in bikinis for about as long as they have both existed, and yet I still cannot understand why.

The person doing it is exposing nearly every inch of their body to an unforgiving surface, and for a woman like Andrea Calle, who makes her money off her body, that seems like an unnecessary risk. If anybody saw Tom Brady arm wrestling a gorilla they would step in. You don’t even have to be a fan of the man to know that he should not be doing that. And yet no one has the courage to step in and tell this women to wear coveralls. And yes, I think these two situations are exactly the same.

I do not care if Andrea’s tan becomes hindered. She is at the beach. Are you telling me she cannot take an extra fifteen minutes at the end of her skating to lie down? I refuse to believe that her schedule is so busy she cannot make time for that. After all, she is an adult who can make time to rollerblade.

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Just when it looked like the media storm surrounding the breakup between Nikki Bella and John Cena was abating, news has emerged that the two members of wrestling royalty are getting back together. To those of you who have been tirelessly sliding into Bella’s DM’s under multiple fake identities – this breaking news will hit you the hardest. Bella called off her wedding with Cena in April only three weeks before it was set to take place allegedly due to the fact the she wanted kids and he didn’t. Cena then all but had a public meltdown, even publically pleading during an interview on Today:

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I still love Nicole. I still would love to marry Nicole. I still would love to have a family with Nicole.

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Red is definitely Melissa Riso’s color. Well, she would look amazing in any color but there’s definitely something about what she has on now that makes me aware of Melissa’s presence even if she was miles away. I could spy with my little eye a seductive Riso in a red bikini if I was standing an entire ocean apart from her. And after spotting her I would be obliged to swim across the sea just to see her even better. Maybe say hello and ask her if she needs anything. Like a refill for her water bottle. She sure looks mighty hot and the last thing I need to see is a beaut like her overheating under an unforgiving sun.

Melissa’s body is chiseled and aesthetically pleasing to look at like a top gun aircraft. She also scores bonus points with me for looking cooler than Tom Cruise in a pair of aviator glasses. Maybe I can be her Maverick. I don’t own a fighter jet but I can sure attempt to fold a paper airplane to look like one. Then l’ll give it to her as a present. I’ve heard it’s the thought that counts. And I think about her a lot.

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I love a big ass, but you know what I’ve got no time for? Big assed mermaids. I suppose I could make an exception for Demi Rose, but only because she’s one of the most astonishing women on this planet, and women like that deserve concessions to be made for them.

Separating the dress from its wearer for a moment, though, I want to say that I never knew that big-assed mermaids weren’t for me before today. I don’t suppose it’s a thing one thinks much about in their day to day. It’s just not a choice I’m faced with in my daily life.

Nevertheless, now I’ve seen what a mermaid with a big ass would look like, I have to say that I prefer a mermaid with a little less fin, if you know what I’m saying? But in real life, non-mermaid life, I not only love a big ass, I love Demi Rose’s big ass with all of my heart.

I think it would be an exaggeration to say I’d turn her down if she were a mermaid, but I suppose we’re lucky that such a conundrum will never present itself. Unless it turns out we’re living in the Twilight Zone. Wouldn’t surprise me anymore.

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I love women who know how to keep things clean. It’s a full-time job keeping the car spotless. I myself sometimes have a hard time washing in-between all of those crevasses and fall victim to missing a spot or two. But not Trista Mikail. I can tell by just looking at her that she’s a professional expert at the art of washing cars. She makes it look easy and attractive. Never in my life have I had close to the amount of fun that it looks like Trista is having. I almost consider cleaning my vehicle to be a chore of sorts. Maybe if I invited her over she could show me how to make the best out of it.

I see Trista is also prepared to visit the beach after wiping down her vehicle. She owns a bikini and a car like that was made for cruising the shoreline. I’d love to come with. I promise I wouldn’t take up too much room and I could curate the perfect playlist of acceptable tunes to get everyone in the beach mood. She’ll probably fall in love with me after Surfin USA is followed Kokomo. Because a smart beautiful woman can’t resist a man who knows his music.

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Nikki Mundarris looks cooler than an ice pop in front of an air conditioner in her shades and outfit. Her military camouflage jacket and army green pants are tactical wardrobe pieces  that’s forcing me to atten-hut. She can be my drill commander any day. I’d fall in line and take orders with zero backtalk. I wonder where does one enlist to join Nikki’s army. We could create our own special unit. Just the two of us. We could carry out missions in the form of dates. Our objective would be to find love and in order to do that we would have to check off each obligation along the way. Great outfit. Check. Great food. Check. Great conversation. Check. We would fall in love and finish our objective faster than an out-of-towner loses cell phone reception when passing through my parts.

I need a woman like Nikki in my life because I need structure. And her structure is something I would love to wake up to everyday. Even though her outfit suggests she’s ready to do battle we would make peace, not war. I’m fully dedicated to changing her relationship status from no mans land to fully infiltrated with my presence.

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The bottoms on this bikini being worn by Tallia Storm are absolutely infuriating to me. They look like those early 90s thongs that were sort of a cross between a partial thong and granny panties. Seriously, they’re not even able to sit on her hips because they’re yanked all the way up to her sides.

They prevent me from finding Tallia sexy. I mean, there’s no reason I shouldn’t be absolutely gob-smacked and head over heels for her, and it has everything to do with these stupid bikini bottoms. They’re absolutely revolting. From a fashion standpoint, I mean.

How is this fashionable in any way, shape, or form. I guess if you live long enough, you’re able to get aggravated all over again when fashion trends you hated the first time around are revived. Honestly, does no one have common sense anymore, let alone fashion sense?

oh well, I was never one to understand this sort of thing anyway, and I can always just hold my hand up to block the view of those awful bikini bottoms. Hopefully after she sees these pictures and see how ridiculous they looked, she’ll make a better decision next time. Fingers crossed anyway.

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I do believe that this is the first time that I have laid my eyes upon Katya Elise Henry, but I am liking what I am seeing. That is a booty that was made to wear a thong. Or was the thong made to be worn by booties like hers? That reminds me of one of those impossible riddles that have no real answer and are not even fun to think about. But in the case of this riddle, I would be happy thinking about it all day.

I would be surprised if Katya did not have some Brazilian genes in her body, because she certainly seems like she is packing a Brazilian booty in her jeans. I think it is thanks to bodies like hers that we even have flex fit jeans. We could not owe it to the obese. They were happy wearing oversized clothes that could cover up their shame. It was the fit girls that wanted to be able to show off their hard work without having to worry about splitting their pants every time they wanted to use their friend as a weight for an impromptu body squat.

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December 1996. My anticipate at country of originland is getting conclude to its bring to a close as I’m in a new york minute halfway on my gray year of an arm and a leg school. Dad and I explain to go educate Mars Attacks! as it features either actors we savor, namely Jack Nicholson, and my head of the house remembered the manufacturing cards from his arrest childhood.

In those days, rebuilt to the movies involved as a choice phoning the entertainment industry and listening to a keeping record of en masse the showtimes—a daunting load were you department the tenplex—or you could has a look see the paper. The paper circulating the movie was at 7, so we showed up from one end to the other 6:45-ish. Turns on the wrong track, the next headlining was at 7:30, so we convinced to win the tickets and practically wait beyond the bounds the show biz for the previous unmask to let out.

The doors bring to light and people am a native of exiting the theater. Among them is a boyfriend by the whole of his son, who was everywhere ten or so, and the boyfriend says, on the wrong track loud, “Ah, I was no two ways practically it sad when Jack Nicholson died… both times!”

“What the fuck did he once in a blue moon say?” My boyfriend says to me in a raging attempt to win me to unite him in a overwhelm this guy.

“He once in a blue moon spoiled the movie for us and accumulation else unsound here and evidently doesn’t service because there he goes.”

“Hey fuck you asshole!” My head of the house screams in the general desire of to what place this source and his fresh son were, clairvoyance that he had done his urban duty. This is New Jersey trailing all, and a “Hey fuck you asshole” is chiefly the comparable of “Welcome to our legal state.”

My dad still talks about this and at which point this asshole gone his night untrue at the movies by all of his son. I review this around more vividly than anything in Tim Burton’s ultimately forgettable comedy.